What NOT to do when running into your ex

How do you react when you come face to
face with the man that broke your heart?
No one can really explain the reasoning
behind life's awkward moments. Whether
it’s enduring the humiliation of getting your
first period in front of an assembly full of
bitchy seniors or that dreadful salient five
minutes into a date that clearly indicates the
end of all interesting conversation.
We all fall victim to the universe's twisted
sense of humour at some point in our lives:
non-reciprocated high-fives and unsavoury,
not to mention, accidental skype messages
to your fifty-five year old boss are one
thing, but how do you begin to survive the
mother of them all; that awkward moment
when you bump into your ex and his
hatefully delightful, gorgeous new
It's a known fact that most romantic
encounters that don't make it to the finish
line usually end up in tears, flames or
broken pieces of everything he ever gave
History, no matter how good or bad, makes
any connection impossible to forget, and
even in instances where the two of you
miraculously end up staying "good friends",
seeing a significant lover with another can
bring out all sorts of outrageous emotions.
Jealousy, rage, happiness, a road-runner
meep meep in the opposite direction. What
was it about that discomforting moment that
makes us so irrational?
"Oh my God! Hi! I almost didn't see you! Is
this?! Oh my God, hi! I've heard so much
about you!" Unless you've died or have been
shipped off to the island where Tupac and
Mother Theresa are being held hostage, you
are going to run into your ex and yes, nine
out of ten times, he will most likely be with
someone fabulous.
Sure, he broke your heart and you secretly
hate him for it even though you've publicly
admitted on countless occasions that you've
forgiven him and wish nothing but the best
from him and his wifey, but to see the
rumours of his happiness in black and white
can be just as alarming as a girl's first trip
to the fanny mechanic.
Talking in exclamation marks was my first
mistake. Correction. My first mistake was
leaving the house in sweat pants and high
tops without a stitch of make-up on and a
hair-don't that looked like I was entering a
troll doll look-a-like competition.
Hot nerves rushed through my body as the
anxiety kicked in forcing me to speak
without thinking, simultaneously breaking
every rule in the "What not to do" section
of "Meeting your Ex's new Girlfriend: A
Handguide to Mental Stability". I was being
overly nice to the point of being obnoxious,
my body language was all over the place and
to make matters worse, I automatically
started comparing myself to this woman.
Was she prettier and younger than me?
Could she do tricks in bed that I couldn't?
What did she have that I didn't have?
"This is Katy." Of course it was, I thought as
I reached out to shake her perfectly
manicured hand.
"Katy", I repeatedly mocked in my head
whilst maintaining the prozac smile that had
instinctively appeared upon my face.
You could have easily scraped the plastic off
with a spatula as I engaged in small talk
about how they met and how long they'd
been dating even though I already knew the
answer thanks to a good old Facebook stalk.
"Mwahaha!," I fake laughed as I glanced for
signs of a premature wedding proposal
which would have infuriated me considering
that the reason we broke up in the first
place was because of his commitment issues.
And then I recognised a familiar look on her
face. It was the same one I had all those
years ago when we were happy and in love.
She was radiant, basking in the early stages
of relationship glory.
He had charmed his way into her life the
same way he charmed me and now,
everything he did or said was clearly placed
upon a pedestal. He could do no wrong.
A part of me wanted to knock him down by
blurting out his flaws and telling her about
that dirty night in Bangkok, but sabotage
would've made an already awkward moment
even more discomforting.
"I must rush to my spin class now! We
should all get together and have a coffee
sometime! It was lovely to meet you (gulp)
Katy....really it was!" Off they went into the
sunset. God only knows what she was
laughing about as they walked away.
There they were...happy, in love and
everything I should have been, and even
though I had yet to meet someone special at
the time, nothing could have prepared me
for the excruciating experience of running
into the man that broke my heart and, now,
this woman who made me feel so insecure
and utterly insignificant.
When it comes to meeting your ex's new
lover, how do we turn awkward into
amicable without the aid of alcohol?

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